The words get caught in my throat every time I go to speak. I have this indescribable hole in my chest, that is incredibly painful. It is always the hardest promise to keep, the same one I make to each of my dogs. It is always these moments that I feel so small and that just being there is not enough. I lay on the floor with him and spooned like we had done a million times before, even then I still couldn't hold him close enough. Whispered so many things to him and he just went easy and quiet, I know he was more ready then I was.
Really, there just are not any words or maybe really not enough words to say about this dog. This dog with one eye, no functioning thyroid and Border Collie Collapse Sydrome, who had the biggest god damn heart, you would never know how sick he was for his whole life. Everything he ever did was with his heart.
He never said no I can't, even in his last days. He always enthusiastically said ,"Yes, yes I will go and do that for you I will try hard and will not give up. I will work all day with you to set sheep for the trial and I will do the chores and I will run in the event. I will be try to be patient with while you learn."
There is no way I can ever pay back to him all that he has given to me and the dogs that come after him. We are all grateful and better for the lessons he taught. I am thankful that I understood the gift of him from the early parts of our relationship. There are so many things I wished for him, in way they came true when he crossed over.
Where ever he is he is no longer sick, my sweet handsome boy.
That'll do son.
